Curse of increasing 3-D movies

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A new pandemic is sweeping our nation, and the most frightening part of this disease is that no one seems to realize it exists. People spend their weekends engaging in pastimes that riddle their bodies with the virus, and no one has stopped to wonder why. Soon enough, the entire nation will be infected, and no one will be left to save us.

The new plague that is sweeping the planet is the disease known as 3-D movies.

Recently, the U.S. has been inundated with films designed to be 3-D, which is meant to make the audience feel more immersed and like they are actually in the action.

Instead, after a two and a half hour long movie in the next dimension, one is known to feel the same symptoms he would after blacking out at a frat party: confusion, wobbliness and a dull throbbing behind the eyes.

The heart of the matter is that films are made in 3-D to sell a movie ticket at twice the normal price. The audience is forced to sit there wearing drunk goggles while a bouncy ball rolls toward them because the producer thought it was a cool effect.

Hearing about how great 3-D movies are reminds me of an episode of the TV show Futurama where the cast goes to watch an “interactive” film.

Like a “choose your adventure” novel, the audience in the show is allowed to pick what they wanted the actors to do. But the machines just wind up breaking, and the cast is forced to sit and watch a man file paperwork for the movie’s duration.

The technology just doesn’t exist yet to make a movie that is actually three dimensional. People want more and more for their buck, so producers continue to give it to them. A few years ago the big craze was Imax theaters; a few years from now, we could see the start of holographic movie images.

That is not to say the technology can’t exist. It just isn’t worth the cost right now to see a slightly more rounded film just because someone thought it was a neat effect.

Maybe in a few years, when science gives a way to see images walking in the aisles of the theaters, maybe then 3-D movies will be worth it. But not now.

The idea of seeing a 3-D movie seems like watching a crazed animal do funny tricks at the local zoo. It sounds like a fun experience at first, but you still don’t want to reach out and touch it.

Author: Artie Phillips

Bio info coming soon!

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