Pause for Thought: Fantasy Football
By Joshua Thiering
Everyone keeps asking me, what are you going to do when you graduate this month? Well I’ve made up my mind to pursue a career as a professional football player.
Never mind that I only have two years of playing backup safety on the Grisham Middle School A-Team under my belt.
I’ve seen Rudy.
Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
Skeptics will tell me, “Josh, you are 6-foot-2, 170 pounds and always seem to be awkwardly bumping into door frames instead of moving through them.”
Well, prepare to be baffled, all you armchair critics, who claim they don’t even make shoulder pads small enough to fit me.
I will wear as many T-shirts as it takes to fill out the pads.
And for the record, whenever I accidentally collide with the door frame, I always get a better piece of it than it does of me.
To all of you who still remain unconvinced of my athletic potential and make allegations that I move slower than FEMA — stop treading on the egg shells of my dreams!
I’ve got things going for me. Things like inspirational quotes and motivational posters.
I’ve spent thousands of hours watching football on TV, and I’m open to criminal activity.
To be a professional athlete, you need to have a big ego. Well, my ego belongs in the hall of fame right next to Muhammad Ali, and Chad, I-can-swim-faster-than-Michael- Phelps Johnson.
Furthermore, if I were ever interviewed, I could say politically incorrect things, and string together sporting cliché after cliché, by calling my own number when the going gets tough in this game of inches.
I’ve spent many late nights sprinting through my living room carrying the pigskin, juking the coffee table, hurdling the remote and breaking imaginary tackles.
I’ve even played pickup football with real people a couple of times since eighth grade, but the results have been mixed.
Often times I’ve wondered if I’m getting slower or if fat people are getting faster.
According to my astute roommate, who always tells the truth, it’s the latter.
So, naturally, I will just eat myself into top-playing condition.
I will use the local church flag football league as a spring board to the pros, by racking up bloated statistics and putting forth every possible effort to win each game so that pro scouts will have to take notice. I expect nothing less than to become an overnight YouTube sensation.