By Joshua Thiering
Big questions loom as we barrel down the homestretch of 2008. Big questions like: What should I major in? Who should I vote for? Should I get a hair cut?
Well, don’t fret my little fretting freshman. I’ve got some answers for you. But they aren’t about silly things the “main stream media” covers like majors and presidential elections.
Instead, like Santa, or the three wisemen (if your feeling preachy), I come bearing gifts to those who care about their hair. These gifts are in the form of a point counter point of the ever important issue of hair cuts.
Hey you, get a haircut. Your head looks like a mangy cat. Call the vet!
Haircuts make it look healthy, and you’ll get less dandruff — a win-win situation for everyone.
The Bird’s Nest is not just the stadium where the Olympics were held. It’s your head! Shave it, you haggard, kinky-haired Chia Pet.
A hair stylist should hijack your hair. Your hair is an abomination. It ruins your witness. Think about God. Think biblically. Your mother tells your grandmother it’s time to get the shears. We will cheer if you shear!
“Your hair looks like a bush,” said senior Andrew Dickerson, who is a reliable source of unreliable sources.
Cut your hair. It isn’t famous. It’s infamous. You look like Saddam Hussein when they pulled him out of his hole. You were seen on campus and thought to be Bigfoot.
No, don’t shear thy righteous bangs. Thou long, flowing mane doth glow in the sun’s golden rays. Doth the shaved lion roar as loud? Nay, my friend.
Your hair is a liberation; let us drink from its cup. The barbers are the truly barbarous.
Maybe your hair has gone hay-wire. What is wrong with that? The armed services shave the heads of enlistees to maintain uniformity.
They want you to be part of the mass. Be bold. Celebrate your differences. Grow it long and strong. Paint with all the colors of the wind.
Or, better yet, think biblically. Delilah is waiting around ever corner, waiting to sap your strength. Take a walk on the wild side.
Business in front, party in the back, isn’t merely the mullet. It’s the Missouri Compromise. You look like a mop head, but mops clean things.
So what if you look like you stuck your fingers in a light socket? It’s only a testament to your electric personality.
Oliver Herford once said, “A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.” Grow it long before it all falls out.
As you can tell, by column inches, the most persuasive argument is not to cut your hair. So don’t fret my little fretting freshman, when you’re told to cut your hair.
Just ask them the rhetorical question: Doth the shaved lion roar as loud? Nay, my friend.