‘Beware the Jabberwock…’

By Joshua Thiering

In a watershed moment for modern anthropology, a group of men from Georgia claimed they had found Bigfoot. However, when placed under the intense eye of scrutiny, the dead body of the monster was found to be — a rubber gorilla costume.

The Bigfoot hoax of 2008 means only one thing. The monster is still at large and could be on campus.

No official sightings of Bigfoot have yet to be recorded at UMHB according to the Director of Campus Police, Gary Sargent.

However, many students suspect paranormal occurrences on campus are not infrequent.

“I think I saw the Chupacabra in the Sesquicentennial Plaza in mid scurry,” sophomore Micah Lynch said.

For those of you who aren’t “in the know,” the Chupacabra is a monster from Puerto Rican lore best known for attacking and sucking the blood of goats.

Lynch agreed that the sighting has left him with a growing concern for the safety of unaccompanied girls walking through the plaza at night.

Lynch did not mention, however, that if the girls were accompanied by goats, it would actually increase their chance of being attacked by the Chupacabra.

*NOTE: Girls should not take goats for walks late at night through the Sesquicentennial Plaza. *

Side Note: Wouldn’t “Raising Chupacabra awareness for the goat owners near the Sesquicentennial Plaza” be a great platform for the Miss Mary Hardin-Baylor Pageant?

Pageant entries may never get the chance if Lynch gets his way.

“I would like to set a trap to catch the Chupacabra. Maybe we can have a march, form a mob and get pitch forks,” he said.

However, pitch forks are not available in bulk at Wal-Mart.

There is no word yet if Lynch plans to take this issue before the Student Government Association.

In other news of the paranormal, senior Brandon Blackshear saw a falling star the other day, but thought it “might not have been a falling star.”

Junior Lindsay Hunt claims she has seen more falling stars than usual lately.

Could an alien invasion be underway? Not likely. Hunt also claimed that she was the “tooth fairy.” Hunt has yet to take a DNA test.

There was not much evidence to support the claim of a possible alien invasion except for a faculty member who commented off the record that some of the freshmen “look like aliens.”

There are many theories circulating on campus; however, no hard evidence has been found to support any of the claims.

Until more develops, keep an eye out for Bigfoot, and keep goats out of the Sesquicentennial Plaza. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Author: The Bells Staff

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